Fatherhood - part 1
The Sleep-Deprived Fog
Becoming a parent has been, by far, the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for the combination of lack of sleep and the absolute and complete demand for my attention (and, mainly, my partner’s attention) at all times.
I am writing this as my daughter is about to turn 18 months.
It feels like it was only yesterday that she was born, and time flew by. At the same time, even though we’re way past the initial stage, where we were barely able to get any sleep, it does feel like the compounded effect of all those missing hours of rest has aged me by 10 years.
My brain, my ability to focus and even my memory have suffered.
The Balancing Act of Work and Family
Throughout my career I’ve always had stressful and intense jobs - it’s a tough area, seemingly always under staffed and under resourced. However, I’ve always been able to wind down once I got out of work. Having the chance to sit or lay down, putting my feet up, and doing something (or nothing) for an hour while allowing my brain to slow down for a moment, before spending some time cooking a nice meal (or just a quick bite!) and then allowing myself some leisure time - all these steps have always been key to keeping the stress levels manageable.
The moment my daughter was born, all of this was gone. For the first full month I was on leave from work, and fully embraced becoming a father, spending every waking hour (and every sleepless night), together with my partner, working to keep this newborn baby alive.
The Paradox of Parental Knowledge
It is often said that babies should come with a manual.1
No amount of reading could have prepared me for those first few months.
If anything, the absolutely endless amount of information that is out there can do more harm than good.
The same can happen with all the (well meaning) advice you’ll get from family, friends, and even strangers. It will make you second guess yourself. It’ll raise doubt, and even if you prepared yourself in advance (by reading the science on what’s best), that seed of doubt will grow and absolutely wreck your head.
Surviving the Storm: The First Months
Crying, sleepless nights, more crying, feeding, worrying about whether the baby is getting enough milk and putting on weight as expected. Even more crying, colic2, wondering if you are doing something wrong. Trying to support your partner, who is facing all of this on top of having gone through birth and postpartum hormone crash, and making sure we survive, so that we can keep that baby alive.
And you do whatever you have to do. While I do have memories of the first month, the next few months feel like a complete blur.
Somehow having gone back to work (mostly from home), I pushed myself through the 8 hour work day, only to finish by the exact time the baby’s colic was starting.
This is when my second shift started, and my partner and I had to cope with an additional 5, 6, 7 hours of colic crying before the baby would eventually fall asleep. The baby would then wake up every couple of hours to feed. No one ever got any decent sleep.
And then it was the morning.
Rinse and repeat.
Today I can’t tell you how long this lasted for, but it was most definitely a good 6 months until it started slowly improving.
What I can tell you is that I probably did shit work. For those 6 months, on my best day I probably did no better then what would previously have been my least productive days at work.
Capturing the Joy
And yet, on the days I wasn’t working, we had a great time. Colic only ever started in the evening.
I honestly can’t remember this time as well as I would have liked, but we have hundreds and hundreds of photos to prove and remind us of it - although in the majority of them we look like sleep deprived zombies.
However, eventually, it gets easier.
On Paternity Leave
It’s only once you’ve been through the thick of it that you can actually have an informed opinion on parental leave. As a (modern) father, who has tried to really do my part in raising my daughter (as opposed to a more traditional approach of “helping” the mother in raising the children), you could say I’ve developed some very strong opinions.
The fact that today, in the western world, you have countries where a mother is entitled to less than a full year of fully paid maternity leave is ridiculous. Unless she wishes otherwise, no mother should be forced back into work with a child under 1.
Fathers need to do their part too. And if they do, there is no fucking way they are going to be productive at their jobs for that first year. Ultimately, I think fathers should be entitled to that very same full year, as that is the only way they can do their part. (How much of their salary should be covered is a different discussion, and so is what percentage should be paid for by the Employer and the State).
In the meantime, they need to take all the parental leave they are entitled to (to do their part) and that needs to become normalised. As a society, I think that this is absolutely critical to make us more equal and to avoid women carrying it as a burden on their careers.
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Looking ahead
While the early days of parenthood were, without a doubt, incredibly challenging, they have also been incredibly rewarding. In the future, I plan to keep writing on this subject, and share my experience and the lessons we learned along the way.
You can find a follow up post here.
Footnotes
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Funnily enough, in Ireland they do. You’re given a book with basic, but entirely relevant information, to help guide you to keep a baby, and yourself, alive. ↩
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Colic definition by the Irish Health Service (HSE): Colic is the name for excessive and frequent crying in a baby who appears to be otherwise healthy. It affects up to 1 in 5 babies. Colic usually starts when a baby is 2 weeks old. It usually ends by 4 months of age. Sometimes it lasts until the baby is 6 months old. It is not known why babies get colic. A baby has colic if they cry: for more than 3 hours a day; for more than 3 days a week; for more than 3 weeks. ↩