Video calls: keeping family connected across borders

Living in an increasingly connected yet physically distant world, many parents face a modern dilemma: how to help their children build meaningful relationships with family members who live thousands of kilometers away.

Can video calls really work?

As an expectant parent living abroad, I worried about how to develop the same close bonds, between my child and our extended family (including grandparents and uncles), that I had experienced growing up, and whether video calls would actually be useful for a child to connect with the extended family.

A note on screen time

While screen time management is an important concern, and a complex topic, this post focuses specifically on using video calls for family connection. I’ll address our approach to managing overall screen time in a future post - this is still something we are figuring out.

Our real-world experience

After nearly two years, now that my daughter is 22 months old, and after having her grandparents over for a brief visit, I can definitely say that video calls do help.

Naturally, nothing compares to interacting in person. In fact, it all hinges on it. Provided that there is enough of that in-person interacting at first (read, having the grandparents completely shower her with attention and affection during the few weeks per year they get to be together), I have learned that yes, the video calls do help.

Establishing a regular rhythm

My daughter had last seen her grandparents sometime in October. We do regular video calls (every 2 or 3 days) of up to an hour, with different levels of interaction, but where she will often play in front of the phone and go to the effort of showing them what she is doing, and somehow “playing” with them. She sometimes even asks us to call the grandparents, of her own initiative. Calls need not be very long. Sometimes all it takes is 10 minutes, as long as it is done regularly enough. Whenever a phone rings, she immediately shouts “Grandma!”, and expects the call to be for her. We don’t do the calls on a schedule - any time of the day will work.

A joyful reunion: real connection

This month the grandparents came over for a small visit. When we met them at the airport’s arrivals, she immediately recognised them. After a few initial moments of shyness and awkwardness, in which she looked a bit serious (probably while trying to handle emotions internally), it was as if they had never been apart! Lots of play ensued, and to me this is the most important thing. Video calls do not replace interaction, and they are certainly not sufficient for a connection by themselves… but they clearly help maintain those connections between those moments in person where that connection is truly forged.

Sharing some tips:

Video call best practices for family members

• Stay focused on the call, don’t multi-task.
  • If she tries to engage and that attention isn’t immediately reciprocated, she will lose all and any interest on that call.
• Interact meaningfully and with intent.
  • If you ask her questions related to what she is doing, she will interact, and show you her toys etc. If you ask her a random question she will just ignore you.
  • If she offers you a cup of tea, pretend to sip it. If she offers you food, pretend to eat it. It’s still play, and she loves it.
  • If someone asks her to blow kisses or wave goodbye, she will, but then she will try to press the end call button and won’t pay any more attention to the phone - even if you don’t actually hang up.
• Be patient.
  • Yes, you will be watching plenty of shaky ceilings.
  • Yes, toddlers will wander off camera.
• Be aware of nap and bedtimes.
  • Don’t call or try to overextend the calls if they are taking place around these critical times.

Screen size: keep it handy

• A phone that they can hold in their hands is going to be better than a tablet, even if the screen is smaller.
  • Smaller is better. I have thought about connecting a webcam to the TV, but truth is, toddlers are going to want to hold onto the phone themselves and walk around the place showing them toys, or the cats, or something else entirely.
• If they are shown how to use a phone holder (like the cheap IKEA bamboo ones), or how to prop the phone against a piece of furniture to keep it up, they will learn and do it themselves.

Conclusion

Video calls cannot replace physical interaction, but combined with regular in-person time, they help young children maintain meaningful connections with distant family. Seeing our daughter’s genuine joy when reuniting with her grandparents confirms that these digital moments play a valuable role in nurturing these relationships.